 Steve's Columns
OCTOBER, 1997
HOW TO FIND YOUR SOUL MATE
This is intended to be the first of monthly
forays into the application of the Lifewriting/Firedance principles
to various aspects of life. As you probably know, I believe
very strongly in the concept of balance--if you haven't been
able to move forward in a critical area of your life, I believe
the answer can be found in an imbalance in one of the OTHER
major areas. And the three main arenas are: Body, Mind, and
Spirit.
Remember:
- Body is physical fitness and health. This is most exemplified
by having enough energy to work a full week and still party
at the end of it. Most important aspects are a healthy diet,
a healthy back, and good aerobic conditioning.
- Mind is either Career or academic excellence. This means
making good money at something you enjoy doing. Your hobbies
and your work support each other--are not in conflict. Ideally,
what you do is what you love. If you aren't at this point,
you are working towards it. If you aren't in the job market
yet, you are training yourself toward this.
- Spirit is both internal balance, and your external, romantic/sexual,
committed relationship. This is approached by self-evaluation
and meditation, and consistent commitment to love and cherish
yourself, and see all other human beings as an aspect of YOU.
What you see in the world around you is what you are. If you
see dishonest, awful, frightening people, you are projecting
your own darkness upon others. Mother Teresa saw the image
of God in the lepers she served. If you can't see the face
of the divine in the person who sits across the breakfast
table, you're kidding yourself about your spiritual growth.
Now, this needs to be a committed/romantic/sexual relationship--we're
not talking about friends, children or parents.
These three areas are interdependent--as long as you hold steady
on he other two, working on any one of them will move you forward
in all. All things being equal, then, working on your WEAKEST
link will provide the greatest benefit. I'm going to give you
an example of my own use of this process, and hope it will be
interesting.
Late in 1996, I came to realize I couldn't remain married to my
darling wife, Toni. Things just weren't working, and I realized
further that I was unhappy with MANY things about my life, and
had been for about three years. I wanted a major change. But I
couldn't spot the things that I needed to change in order to accomplish
this. What to do?
I knew that if I could see what needed to be changed, I would
make the changes, no matter what the cost. So whatever I needed
to change, it had to be in an area I concealed from myself.
So how to see what can't be seen?
Arrgh!
I decided to use my own technology on myself. I had said for
years that the reason spirit is best measured (externally) in
our relationships is that they are a mirror for our inner selves.
Well, I said--let me find the best mirror I can, and look into
it.
So, here was the plan: I would define with the highest level
of courage I could, EXACTLY what I wanted in a woman. No compromises
at all. I mean exactly what I wanted physically, mentally, emotionally,
sexually, etc. And I would write this all down. then I would
find the woman who came the closest to this perfection, sit
her down, and ask her EXACTLY what she was looking for in a
man.
Here's the theory. We are afraid of our own power. This sometimes
keeps us from setting our goals high enough, or seeing the blocks
we would have to remove to get to them. But people often set
their relationship goals "too high"--men want women with greater
beauty and power than they can match. Women want men with greater
financial resources and emotional balance than they can handle.
But if I described the "perfect" woman, I mean exactly what
my deepest heart desired, I would have described my own "gender
mirror", the energetic opposite of my own most idealized self.
And if I could change myself sufficiently to deserve such a
woman, I would be becoming what I most deeply desired to be.
I knew a woman who came very close to that ideal perfection. Gorgeous,
fiercely sensuous, intelligent, independent, spiritual, dancer's
body, financially stable. On January 1st, I sat her down and asked
her the crucial questions. Within a month, I had a detailed analysis
of EXACTLY what she wanted.
The next step was to subtract what she wanted from what I currently
was. What remained was the stuff I needed to change in myself
in order to "deserve" her. Follow me? I then asked myself: would
I be a better person if I made these changes? The answer was
yes, so I decided to make 'em.
Understand the steps?
- Decide EXACTLY what you want in a partner. Physically, Mentally,
Spiritually. Write it all down.
- Find the person who comes the closest to this perfection.
(It's all right if they're married!) Sit them down and ask
them EXACTLY what they are looking for. What would be THEIR
image of perfection in a relationship. The person they would
fall in love with and bond to IMMEDIATELY if that person presented
him/herself. The person they would be willing to have a committed,
one-on-one relationship with.
- Boil down the essence of what they have described in the
three major arenas. Be ruthless.
- What is the difference between what was described and who
you are? Be ruthless.
- If you have done your work properly, you should currently
have a working road map of EXACTLY what you need to change
about yourself to be EXACTLY who you truly desire to be. This
rests partly, of course, on making a really precise and honest
list of your desires, and searching until you find a good
and honest person to ask your questions of.
I began to work on my list, breaking down the goals until I could
see how to implement them a few crumbs at a time.
Here's the trick, and this is why I called this "How to Find
Your Soul Mate". The minute I started making serious progress
toward my goals, the minute I honestly centered myself, and
realized that the level of honesty, commitment and openness
I desired in a woman couldn't be gained through anything but
a matching level of honesty, commitment, and openness, I completely
turned away from any attempt to "find" a woman, and turned ALL
my attention to my the self-improvement efforts. I decided,
in other words, to be my own best friend, lover, worst critic,
business partner, and coach.
The INSTANT I realized I had the power to get anything I wanted,
but that that power was best utilized to improve myself, and
actually began to do the work...
The INSTANT all of my attention was off my external goals,
I relaxed massively. I just didn't care about anything but living
each day with excellence.
And guess what happened? I'll bet that you already know...
I met my soul mate.
The lady in my life now is a wonderful woman named Tananarive
Due. I met her at a writing conference in Atlanta Georgia. A superb
horror novelist, and a features columnist for the Miami Herald,
she has an interesting definition of "soul mate." She believes
that there are a number of possible soul mates for each human
being. Such a person is someone who, when you meet them, you can
clearly see your future together stretching in front of you.
Well, what happened was the most powerful Love-At-First-Sight
experience I have ever heard of.
The beautiful and transforming thing about this is, as I said
earlier, changing any ONE of the three aspects will, if one
is committed to balance, create change in the other two as well.
Finding Tananarive has changed my whole life for the better.
I take more pleasure in my writing, and have a renewed commitment
to a higher level of physical conditioning and energy.
Yee-Haw! DAMN this technique works!!!
I have talked about this to other people, but recently received
an e-mail from a friend (call her "Mary") who is trying the technique.
I include my correspondence (edited) with this lady, and my comments
about her results.
A little background. Mary has suffered a serious set of emotional
and financial setbacks, has had a series of unhappy relationships,
the most serious of which was an involvement with a married
man. This man, (who we'll call Bob), was selected as her "most
perfect choice". I had some doubts about this, (didn't she want
someone who would be honest and faithful, two things "Bob" clearly
is not?), but she had to make her own choices. The following
is the correspondence Mary sent me about her conversation.
Date: Sun, Oct 5, 1997 1:52
AM EDT
From: Mary
Subj: your copy of the list....
To: SEBARNES
Steve,
So I asked the question of what would the
soulmate of your desires be like... and as I shall repeat....I
think I know more of what he's looking for than he does. So
here's what he said...5'10", clear skin, dark complected,
healthy tan, sharp dresser, between 35 and 40, intelligent,
confident (this is something he stressed, then said that it
was something I had, then disappeared and is now making a resurgence)
( remember my persona that you bantered with at XXXX? That was
pretty much what he fell for, that is who I'm trying to get
back to.) Not much else that he could think of, then after more
prodding he added clean, neat, organized ( the things I'm not
but know that I need to work on) Those are my demons and that
along with my financial dilemma I have been working on but it
seems to get worse and not better and takes so much time and
energy.
And here was my answer:
Don't worry about the 5'10-type stuff (that is, the unchangeable
stuff). Concentrate on the stuff which can, with work, discipline,
intelligence and self-confident action, be changed. In other words,
the external signs of the internal person.
- Clear skin? That's a healthy immune system. Healthy diet,
aerobic exercise, good hormonal balance--in other words evidence
of good baby-making potential. (Whether or not you want to
have kids, this is a pretty universal standard of beauty.)
- Good tan? As in outdoorsy? I think you mentioned "athleticism"
in a previous note. So someone who, for instance, goes hiking
a lot? This is fitness, connectedness with nature, etc.
- Sharp dresser? Stylishness, money (or awareness of how to
compensate for lack of it. Self-esteem and self-respect, cultural
awareness. "In tune with the times."
- Confident. This comes from self-knowledge. If you lost it
for a while, it was because you lost touch with your true
self, and began to identify with your surroundings and imperfect
actions.
- Clean, neat, organized. Systematic. Coordinated--able to
bring your logical faculties and powers on-line with maximum
efficiency.
All right. Now--ask yourself: In the arenas of career, physical
health/fitness, and emotional/spiritual balance and power, who
would you be if you had these qualities? How would you be different
from who you currently are? What would you need to change?
Remember--if somebody said "if you can walk to Disney world, there
is a billion dollars waiting for you," you would check your maps,
check your shoes, determine exactly the resources necessary to
get there--the fact that it would take a lot of time would be
daunting--but not a stopper--IF you believed that the billion
would actually be there. THAT is the power of clarity. You don't
have anything better to do than live life one day at a time. You
might as well make a commitment to KAIZEN life--a wonderful Japanese
term which means "to make small, steady steps to improve a situation
or skill." Keep your eyes on where you're going. Only share
your dreams with people who can be genuinely encouraging. Review
your goals EVERY day. Twice a day. And EVERY day, do some small
thing to move them closer. And forgive yourself for the times
you fail. Failure is a part of growth. Never forget that.
Best,
Steve
Clear enough? I suggest that you try this, and let me know your
results--if may very well be the best and smartest things I ever
did.
Till next time, best wishes, and I close with a beautiful sentiment
from one of my favorite writers--
Listen to the mustn'ts, child
Listen to the don'ts
Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts
Listen to the never haves,
Then listen close to me...
Anything can happen, child
Anything can be.
-Shel Silverstein
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