This column is the first in what will probably be an occasional series: Letters to Steve and his replies.

Steve has always been really really willing to spend time and energy helping those who are truly working to help themselves (hence the vast amount of free information here). Many times the issues one of us is struggling with are similar to the issues others of us are also wrestling with. This correspondence between Steve and a visitor to this page is one that may be useful to others....

Steve,

I have been visiting your website and you have some very motivational columns out there. I am an writer and I have been stuck for several years now. Your column on negative thinking and finding your soul mate really made me rethink some things.

I have been married for 8 years and I have two children. I was married at 22 (really too young) and now we're in that zone that married couples go to when it's really not working. Neither one of us has the courage to leave and we don't have the strength or knowledge to fix it. I don't want to adversely affect my daughters, but I do want to experience TRUE LOVE. In the past, I would say that true love is a myth, but after reading about how you found your soul mate, maybe I've been wrong. I do love my husband and I would like for our marriage to work, but a part of me feels like that it's just because I'm too scared or too lazy to move forward with or without him.

I need to break this chain of self-loathing I have. Here are my issues:

1. I was sexually abused for 10 years of my life by the pastor of my church. I cannot seem to comes to terms with this. I have spiritual as well as sexual issues because of this. I have super low self-esteem and it shows in my everyday relationships.
2. I am about 40-50 pounds overweight. Weight has always been a underlying theme in my life. I think sometimes the extra weight is a defense mechanism to ward off any men that might find me attractive. I am TIRED of being overweight, but I cannot seem to commit to a weight loss regimen. It's almost like my sub-conscious is fighting me when it comes to becoming healthy and happy.
3. I have not written anything substantial EVER. My writing career boils down to some book reviews for a literary magazine and some short stories for my own consumption. I want to write but find every excuse in the book as to why I can't do it.

I am 30 years old and life is passing me by. I know that you are not a therapist, but I wanted to see if you could offer me any advice so that I can get moving with my life. I am trying to raise two HEALTHY daughters and I can't do this if I'm screwed up. I am going to try your exercises. I don't think I've really ever thought about what I wanted in a man. I don't even have any examples of anyone that I think is close to a "perfect" man for me. I do, however, want to be happy, healthy, smaller, writing and living life to the fullest. I want to stop asking GOD why and complaining about my life. I want help!! Please e-mail me as soon as you can.

Georgia Writer--

You are right in thinking that your additional weight is in place to protect you. And of course there is no passion in your relationship--passion comes from within, and you have cut off your source of passion. Easy to understand why. You were major-big-league betrayed by the man who was supposed to be a spiritual advisor. You must harbor ill feelings toward the parents who made such a hideous mistake in judgment, as well.

This leaves you with major holes in your armor, and not much of a center, and your balance has taken a rocking. You can't lose weight without exposing yourself to possible pain. Indeed, a critical time for you--but for you to face these things at 30 is to give yourself true hope for the future. Congratulations!

No, I'm not a therapist, but I believe that you have everything you need within you--the very love you feel for your children, and the yearning for the passion you have missed--in love and in life--can be turned to your own healing.

I am a big believer in balance. Relationship, Career, Body. Let's say that it sounds as if you are not expressing yourself, that your relationship is near the rocks, and that your body is out of whack. Is that fair?

First, relationship. You have a family to raise, and unless hubby has major-league betrayed you or is a danger to your kids, you need to stay there and work things out. However, that doesn't mean you can't have juice, and passion in your life. Relationship equals spirit. So, work on yourself, and you'll leave room for him to change--and if he doesn't, at least you'll be happier with yourself, right? O.K.-

1. Look at the material on "Heartbeat meditation", and start doing it, at least 10 minutes a day, from now on, or until you find another form. DO NOT neglect the value of this. Find some way to love, truly love the little girl inside of you. Imagine yourself at an age before the abuse took place, and when you are quiet, listening to your heartbeat, send love straight to that little girl, and tell her that you are her Mommy now, and you will NEVER LET ANYONE hurt her, ever again. After 6 weeks of this, ask her what you should do to begin moving your life in the right direction. If you are right handed, use your left hand to write down her answers, or vice-versa.
2. Don't try a diet, or an extreme physical regimen . Very slowly start doing physical things that bring beauty into your life--walks in the park, dancing, whatever. Just a few minutes a day. And very slowly begin to eat for health. Don't make any dietary adjustments that require severe discipline. Just love yourself, absolutely, without question. Then, later, start looking into some kind of fun, lifetime activity--swimming, hiking, yoga, martial arts (the martial arts are great for people with boundary issues, or anger issues). Keep up the meditation.
3. Do more journaling, and make a commitment to write a short story a month (or so). In your meditations, ask if the part of you which stops you from writing would be willing to tell you why, and listen to it. Don't argue with it. Thank it for trying to protect you. Then ask it if it would be willing to try an alternative that might be more pleasurable for all concerned. Again, respect its wishes and opinions. You may well need to establish a dialogue with this part, over weeks or months before it will tell you the truth about what is going on. Write these conversations in your journal. While you're at it, keep a dream diary.

There are more things you can do, but this will get you started. If you need more, try the LIFEWRITING FOR WRITERS tape set. You'll find the order form on the web page.

Best of luck,
Steve